I keep finding a beautiful hair or two of Zoe’s on the carpet, on the “blankies” she used, and on my sweaters. It is less than it was before, but we continue to find the occasional tiny bit of so-called “trackless” kitty litter. There’ll be less and less of these Zoe “finds” over time, as reminders of her outer presence diminishes. This is both a blessing and sadness. The number of days since her death mount and her physical presence with us becomes farther and farther away. . . . Nevertheless, I am very much in the mood or mode of life with Zoe in this transition period. My grief is still on the surface.
Sunrise in Corvallis this morning
In another dim but present remembrance, January 7th marked the 40th anniversary of the death of my boyfriend, Tom. Dear Tom, how would my life have turned out if you had lived? Would I be Mrs. Tom enfolded in a family of grown children and grandchildren? I hear Doris Day’s voice singing the popular lyrics, “Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours, to see. Que Sera, Sera. What will be, will be. When I was young, I fell in love . . .”
These words call up a haunting ring of fatalism, as though the great Secret of the Ages is not the Great Law that underlies all life: the world within is the creative cause of manifestation and the world without is the effect. All power, strength, creative genius, affluence, and perfect health, to name a few, are first created through our inward ideals and habitual thoughts. “All that we are is the result of what we have thought,” as the Buddha reminds us in his famous lines, spoken during his life (563-483 BCE), “If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.”
Taken further, it would be so much easier if our conscious mind and body simply “got” that loss, death, and grief are illusionary and non-existent on levels beyond the time and space dimension of Earth. It is entirely possible to perceive a thing, event, or situation intellectually without its becoming part of our inner consciousness and thus transferred from the head to the heart, where it becomes an essential fiber of our very being.
Due to resistance and non-acceptance, or a simple lack of knowledge, few people are able to transfer principles from their head to their heart; others are simply not systemic thinkers. My husband is one of those rare models who can read something the first time or dream about principles and then have them almost instantly, totally integrate within his inner being. He doesn’t struggle or dither in the fork of the road. Called a transcendent moment, he becomes a new man with the intuitive realization!
Today is a significant anniversary. A year ago, my dear, gentle friend, Loraine, died. I met Loraine and several other women some years back when I joined a fitness gym. Granted, it was a gutsy move, because it was out of character for me temperamentally. I was used to my solitary enterprise of practicing yoga in the sweet embrace of our lavender home and kids. As it turned out, going to the gym was one of the best decisions I ever made!
The seven of us became fast friends from the beginning, often going to coffee in our sweaty clothes after our workout, happily sharing much “girlie” talk. We were part of the small group who rousted ourselves from bed to arrive at the gym by 5 am. We were amusingly dubbed “The Early Birds,” and for awhile I was even the reliable “door opener.” Our biorhythms were those of rising with the chickens!
From left to right, Cari, Donna, Jo, Ginny, Loraine, Shirley, and me
In her self-possessed manner, Loraine’s quiet presence and tall, dignified bearing caught my eye immediately. We were an “energetic match” and so a harmonious synastry arose between us. In our natal charts, her Sun was in a practical, grounding Earth sign and mine in a subtly attuned, intuitive Water sign, so this is an easy, compatibility mesh. Earth and Water are the feminine, receptive elements; both tend to produce lovers of the natural world and animals. We shared a great love for our cats and gardens. Chris pruned her roses a few times, and we swapped extra plants back and forth between our gardens. When I meet Loraine, she had a handsome, long-haired, male cat named Belvedere. And Loraine was a devoted volunteer at the Cat’s Meow (the re-sale shop for our local animal shelter).
From Loraine’s huge collection of cat items
A week or so before Loraine died unexpectedly, she had fallen in her apartment. Only a few months earlier, she came by our house, so excited, to show me her Siamese kitten newly adopted from the shelter. What a beauty! Loraine wanted to ask me the serious question of whether we would take her cat if something were to happen to her, so much did she trust our parental dedication and love to possibly add another member of our feline family.
I do, however, have one deep regret. I never took the time out of my schedule to visit Loraine during the days she spent in the care facility while recovering from her fall. I procrastinated every day because I erroneously thought I’d have the following day to see her and make amends for my absence. In the afternoon of the evening Loraine died peacefully, one of the other members of our gym group had been to see her and had taken her a chocolate milkshake, which she dearly loved. When Donna phoned to tell me Loraine had died the previous evening, my heart wept. My chances to ever hold her hand and tell her in person “I love you” were foreclosed.
Our bond is one of lasting love, not of regrets and lack of forgiveness. She forgave me a year ago.
Loraine was/is both a beautiful spirit and ray of friendship in my life. Thank you, dearest friend. I love you!
The people we are in relationship with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors reflecting their beliefs. So relationship is one of the most powerful tools for growth . . . if we look honestly at our relationships we can see so much
Text and Photos are © by Zane Maser, 2010. All rights reserved.
My editorial guru and technological wizard is Chris Maser, my delightful husband.
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