The New Year bell rung imperceptibly for us, already a day ago! It has been just the two of us for eight long days now. This morning, Chris cleaned out the wood stove for the first time since Zoe supervised his work, by laying on her soft bed right in front of the stove, patiently but insistently waiting for dad to build the fire that would release its warm glow for the day.
I, in turn, washed Zoe’s special, little containers that secreted her delectable variety of dry food “crunchies.” I also polished the small carpet-cleaning Dirt Devil genie to go to the Cat’s Meow, a resale shop that aids the cats and dogs at Heartland Animal Shelter. No more “sickie” duty leaping out of bed at 2 a.m., rushing to Zoe’s aid to get her to the linoleum and spare the carpet!
Perhaps with more color to my face, I’m feeling some of life’s rhythms return. I feel like making a new arrangement for the table, something that yesterday felt as far away as the melting ice of Antarctica. Today it feels “right;” I feel “ready,” and so I acted. Thus, the timing was natural for me rather than prematurely forced by some superficial voice saying “you should be feeling better by now; after all it’s been a week! What’s wrong with you anyway? She was only a cat.”
Everything in life flows unimpeded—in its proper timing—when we allow ourselves to hear our inner voice, to feel what is right for us. Maybe not right for anyone else or according to familial or societal “norms,” but perfectly right for me, perfectly right for you. This is keeping my own scorecard and punching it myself!
Do you want to know the secret of life?
Chris helped me to turn an emotional corner last evening. In his gentle, pinpoint-clear way, he helped me to see that my ego is the culprit of my intense grief, my clinging to the physical form of Zoe, and to the physical things in our home that, in my mind, were/are synonymous with Zoe. But then, form is, after all, merely a symbol or representation of the unseen reality of life.
Eckhart Tolle defines the ego as the “illusory self.” When my ego is engaged, I’m operating from a false sense of identity and placing false values on “things” or a “body,” which are simply vehicles of form and expression. In “A New Earth,” Tolle goes on to say that, “In the seeing of who you are not, the reality of who you are emerges by itself.” This translates to Zoe as well. If I see and feel and know Zoe to be her essence, her spirit, then I cease to see and feel and know her as transitory and absent. The sense of separation is thus healed. There is no here and over there where she is. There is only and forever our unity of essence, our merging in the only true dimension there is: beingness.
Early this morning after awakening, I was semi-dozing peacefully for the first time in a week. A very clear image of Zoe came into my mind. She was lying in a queenly pose of sublime joy and peace in the light aqua-colored chair next to my computer table in the stove room, her big, gorgeous paws extended straight out and slightly beyond the chair’s edge. As if there has been no gap of togetherness in our last 18 ½ years, there she was/is right beside me, my little angelic assistant! How prophetic is what my dear friend wrote a week ago: “‘A brief time of rest and mourning and then on again with the work,’ Zoe would like to remind the two worker bees.”
The long and short of life’s deepest question is: Do I focus on what is missing in my life? What I perceive I don’t have? Or do I focus on all that I do have in this precious, present moment? On all the love, abundance, joy, creativity, friendship I have right now? In Zoe’s case, there is only “apparent” absence. She clearly continues to share our life and home, just at a different level of manifestation.
And with each new step the step that was in front
Text and Photo © by Zane Maser, 2010. All rights of Zane Maser and SunnyCat Astrology reserved worldwide.
My editorial guru and technological wizard is Chris Maser, my delightful husband.
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